A Twilight Parody
by lizzyvamp1901
Summary: Another comedy arrives on FF! The readers of Twilight will enjoy this unusual take on Edward and Bella's story. WARNING unlike other parodies, this one is actually good and carefully written. No spelling or grammar mistakes here!
1. Chapter 1

Twilight Parody

Disclaimer: I'm not that idiot who writes the Twilight series, AKA Stephanie Meyer. If I was, there would be no pedophiles like Jacob in the Twilight series and Bella wouldn't be a pushover.

000

I'm in Forks. Like, ewww! Who names a town after a _fork_?

Anyways, I'm here. It's raining, but I'll try to be positive anyway. Oh, I should mention I'm Bella Swan. Well, Isabella, actually, but I have self-esteem issues and need to reassure myself of my great beauty- or lack thereof.

My daddy's here. He bought me a car, yay! That is, like, so cool. How can I possibly repay him? Oh, oh! I've got an idea! I'll cook for him, clean up after him and basically be his slave until I turn 18! That'll make him soo happy.

I love making people happy. 'Cause, you know, I'm selfless and all that crap. And I'm also clumsy. Yep, that's me. A plain damsel in distress.

I push Charlie out of my room when I go in. I need some cry time. I know! I'll throw a pity party of one in my room!

After the party's over and I cry myself to sleep- which was really fun, by the way, you should try it sometime- I'm all ready for school.

I run to my humongously ugly truck that I love with all my heart and kiss it before climbing in. I absolutely _adore_ this thing. A tank couldn't take _this_ baby down! Hmm… Maybe I'll name him Herbie. Though people that talk to their cars never end up well- I mean, have you seen Lindsay Lohan? _So_ not cool. I briefly consider world domination before driving all the way to school- which I found with the super-awesome GPS my truck has- not. I take some marihuana Billy- the super hot previous owner I'm secretly infatuated with- left there.

As soon as I'm done getting high, I get out and run to the office. I talk to the creepy, perverted, possibly-lesbian secretary and get my schedule. I quickly take a look. Yay! I'm in all the advanced classes! 'Cause I'm so smart, and all.

I use my super-spy moves to get to my next class unnoticed.

"I'm in" I whisper into my jacket. The teacher, Mr. Mason, stares at me because I'm utterly gorgeous and everyone's been talking about me. I hang up the jacket and have a telepathic conversation with my Mom for approximately 45 minutes until the class is over.

Finally the torture ends. Even though everyone leaps right out of their seats and stumbles blindly for the door, a seriously ugly chess player comes over and asks me where my next class is. Everyone turns around to watch the show- after all, our conversation is utterly _fascinating_, don't you think?

The guy- Eric, he's called- won't shut up and my utterly narcissistic self considers running away so he won't ruin my marvelous reputation. But I'm a good girl, remember? I just don't _do_ those kinds of things.

So I let the creep lead me to my next class, adore me for a sec and then he leaves. I sigh in relief.

The day flies by and I lie a lot. Liar, liar, pants on fire! I'm so going to hell for this. I _never_ lie. I'm a _good _girl.

I go to lunch and _boom!_ My world explodes when I see the Cullens. They. Are. _Hot_. So hot, it takes Steph- my MarySue-loving author- two whole pages to describe them! Such beauty… Maybe I can use my new popular status to hook up with one of them in the janitor's closet. But, lo and behold! The author just made a girl named Jess tell me they're evil and arrogant! Oh, no! And the plot thickens… The cutest guy _ever_ keeps watching me out of the corner of his eye! I think his name is Edward.

Jess destroys my hooking up daydreams by saying all of them are taken. Except… Eddie! How convenient!

Jess and I talk and gossip until the bell rings and I run to my bio class 'cause good girls should never, _ever_, be late. At least that's what it says on _How to be a good girl for Dummies _page three paragraph 7. I memorized it.

_Whatever_! I stumble into the lab- literally- and Eddie keeps looking at me funny. I sit next to him and he turns his head away. OMG! Do I, like, stink? I swear I took a bath just last week!

After 45 minutes-two and a half pages- of pure, undiluted Edward Cullen, a guy named Mike stops by. Ed skips out of the classroom and I realize we won't be hooking up anytime soon. Damn! I'll have to settle for the gorgeous captain of the football team. Poor me!

After hitting a few people with balls in gym, I go to the Mrs. Cope's office and Alas! Eddie is there! He glares at me a stomps out after I realize he is trying to change his bio class. OMG! Why? Was it me? Oh, wait, of course I caused that! I'm the center of the universe- and a MarySue.

I talk to the red-headed woman briefly and lie again. Damn it! This'll probably be in my school record! I throw a brief pity party for one in my beloved Herbie as I drive home. I love Herbie. He's the only man for me…

The next day, you, dear reader, discover I am bipolar. Yes, darling ole me. Finally, a fault! But it's kinda endearing, isn't it? Of course it is! Shut up!

I didn't get to see Eddiekins for _one whole day_, so I spend all that time thinking about him- even though I don't even know him and learned his name yesterday. Fault #2: I just might turn into a stalker.

I e-mail my mom- who has nothing better to do with her new, young husband than worry about her daughter- and e-mail her before she calls my dad. 'Cause her talking to my dad would be a living nightmare and all.

After a week of fretting and daydreaming about Edwart- he, he, Edwart- he comes back. _Yipee_! I am so happy. Maybe now we'll hook up.

I run to biology and sit next to him.

"Hi. I'm Edward" He says. I have a brief heart-attack. His voice is sooo sexy! "You must be Bella"

After I say a myriad of stupid and mortifying things, we finish our lab practice in record time and start talking. He asks me about the weather. I find this really insulting. I mean, come on! The _weather_? I'm above that.

We talk about my boring family and I annoy myself as more of my stupidity becomes evident. Fault #3.

Super-Ed scampers off as soon as the bell rings. What the fuck? I sigh and trudge out the door. I'm bored, and the possibilities of our hooking up are 0.

The next day is sunny. Hallelujah! I skip off towards the school 'cause I really wanna see Eddie again. Heh, heh. OMG! Sugar rush! Yippee!

I park my truck and look at the chains my daddy put across the tires. My eyes well up and I start bawling. Oh, no! Not the PMS _again_!

Suddenly, my spidey-sense starts tingling and I turn around just in time to see a van coming at me. Ouch, that's gonna hurt.

I don't even try to move. In case you don't know it, I've always had a dark suicidal side. Oh, but you don't, do you? That doesn't come up until book 2. Sorry!

Whilst I think about random randomness and bunnies, a rock cracks my head on the pavement. I start crying.

"Bad rock!" I whimper. The rock starts cursing. Whoa, this is just like a dream I had 5 months ago. OMG! Am I drunk _again_?

"Bella, are you alright?" I turn to face the rock and see Mr. Sexy Eddie there instead. Oops.

"I'm fine" I say, licking my lips sexily.

"What was that you said about a rock?" He asks. I blush- Fault #4 is becoming evident. Everyone starts yelling and crying and calling 911 because they're scared my awesomeness has left the world forever.

I stand up.

"It's OK, everyone. I'm alive. No need to worry" I yell, causing heads to turn in my direction. The people keep screaming and I realize they weren't worried about me- they cared about Tyler.

I wrap my head around my arms and start sobbing. I grab one of the little white pills I keep in my lipstick case and push it up my nose. The world starts spinning and I grin.

"Can I have one of those?" Cullen asks. I nod happily and he takes one and snorts it all up.

"That'll be $30" I say. He gives me the cash and we lay back, waiting to be rescued.

"Dude" Edward grins.

"Not dude, dude, _dudette_" I say happily.

"Whoa" Edwards whispers. Whispers, whiskers, wuskers. Wuss! Was, wasabi, wasom…

"What?" I ask, and whether I'm talking to him or to my high self is impossible to determine.

"Would you _look_ at the size of that unicorn?" No, but I'll take a look at the size of your crotch.

"It's _huge_!" Oh, I agree.

"It's also very sexy, don't you think?" Yep. The fact that you have a boner _really _turns me on.

"Bella!" My daddy shrieks, running into my arms. "I thought I would never see you again!"

"Wait a minute, Dad" I say slowly. "Shouldn't you and Billy be making out in his room right now?"

"I told you not to tell anyone!" He whispers. I roll my pretty little wittle eyes.

"Oh, _puh-leez_, Dad" I answer "_Everyone_ knows there's more than friendship between you two. Right, everyone?"

Everyone nods. God, I _love_ him!

"See?"

"Bella, I think you might have a concussion" Mc SexGod says, appearing out of the nothingness. He takes my head in his hands and I start drooling at his dreaminess. Maybe I shouldn't rule out the broom closet, yet. Or the back of Charlie's cruiser…

"Bella! Bella, breathe! Breathe, dammit!"

Edward starts shaking me violently, screaming 'breathe' every few seconds. WTF? Maybe the high hasn't worn off for him…

"I'll trade my apples for your avocadoes" I stutter. Mc Sexy stops shaking me and sighs.

"Finally!" He yells "She's _finally_ making sense!"

"Have you ever been to Guatemala?" I ask.

"Of course not! I _hate_ cheese!" He answers.

"I thought we had something special!" I shriek, tears in my eyes. Charlie looks dumbfounded as I stagger blindly into his arms.

"We'll take it from here" An EMT says, tearing me off him. I struggle against his iron grip.

"No! No! You don't understand! I don't hate cheese! I don't! I don't!" I yell. The last thing I see is a large, large needle coming towards my arm.

* * *

**OMG!! WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT? EPOV COMING!!!!**

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	2. Chapter 2

EPOV

I drive to the hospital in my Volvo. Who knew vampires could get high? I bet Carlisle will be interested…

And then I remember. Bella. The van. Oh, God. Nothing can happen to her, I can't let her get hurt! I _can't_. Whoa, there, Eddie, didn't you just meet her like, a week ago?

Whatever. My subconscious isn't exactly sane, anyway.

Anyways, by the time I get to Bella's side, she's deep in a drugged sleep. I lower myself onto the couch next to her.

I hate myself. Why can't I just be perfect? Why? It's not so hard- Bella was able to do it! It's not fair! I'm just a sick, stupid, disgusting blood-sucking vampire. I should die. Die, I tell you, _die_!

Suddenly, Bella flies into an upright position, her eyes wide open.

"Shrimps" She whispers "I need my shrimps"

She gets out of bed and starts feeling around the room like she's blind, or something.

"Bella, what do you need the shrimp for?" I ask. Gosh, I'm so confuzzled. I can't even understand her! Nor read her mind! Ugh, this is so _frustrating_!

"To go to sleep" She answers in a _duh_ voice. "Isn't it obvious?"

On second thought, maybe it is. I'm not human, what do _I_ know?

"I'm sorry, Bella. You're right. I'm so freaking stupid!" I put my head in my hands and sob dryly.

"Edwart! Stop crying and help me find my shrimp, you useless piece of crap!" She shrieks. I nod, deciding to postpone my mental break-down until after my daily make-out therapy session with Jazz in the closet.

We searched everywhere. I swear. There was not a single shrimp to be found.

"Bella, just go to sleep without the shrimp, OK?" I ask, exasperated. I need my Jazzykin!

"OK" She answers happily, climbing back into bed and going to sleep. Huh, maybe she was sleepwalking.

But, back to the topic. Perfection. A vampire should be able to achieve it. Why can't I do anything right? I'm a killer. I should die.

"Edward, I-"

"Will the interruptions never end?!" I roared at a baffled Carlisle. Great. Now he's probably mad. Jeez, I can't even two-time my dad with my emo brother properly. What a sicko! "Sorry, honey-buns"

"It's OK, pretty-caterpillar" He answered sweetly. My competitive nature arose.

"Great-koala"

"Sweet-kimono"

"Darling"

"Honey"

"Princess"

"WASABI!" Bella shrieked happily, clapping her hands in excitement. "I win, I win! Yay!"

Oh, God. We'd woken her up.

"Shrimp! OhmyGodIthinkIlostmyshrimpandIcan'tfindthemCarlislehelpme!!!" She begged. Scratch that, she's sleep-talking. _Again_.

"Go back to sleep, Bella" Carlisle ordered her calmly.

"Ahoy, Captain Barbie!" She answered, obeying immediately. I snorted. The poor girl was a nut-case, she was even worse than I was, and _that_ was saying something. Since I'd had a century of practice, and all that.

Carlisle grabbed my hair and kissed me passionately before slamming the door on his way out. Bella's torso flew up into a sitting position again.

"Sleep, now, Bella" I ordered wearily, settling into the couch to watch over her.

"Oh, _bunnies_!" She "cursed," falling fast asleep yet again.

Anyway, let's get back to the angst, shall we? I mean, even after 100 years, I still haven't even managed to exhaust this topic!

Bella rubbed her eyes and my freak-o dead heart stuttered a bit. OK, a lot, but considering I've never actually slept with anyone that's not a prostitute and she's dead sexy, the fact that I didn't get a boner seeing that is a miracle.

"Edward?" She inquired sleepily while I mentally undressed her and put her in several interesting positions. "What happened?"

GRISLY DESCRIPTION OF EXCEPTIONALLY BLOODY ACCIDENT REMOVED FOR THE WELL-BEING OF SENSITIVE READERS AND THE AUTHOR.

"Oh. I see" Bella whispered, shuddering. "Wait a minute! How did _you_ get there so fast?"

My desire to A) Fuck her to death after B) Smoothing her frown and therefore helping her avoid wrinkles when she's older flew to the back of my mind as concern for my hugely fucked-up family took over.

"What? You doubt my awesomely awesome fastness?" I asked "Even though I was right next to you, if I hadn't been, I still would've gotten there on time"

"No way" She shook her head.

"Bella, are you sleep-talking again? Cause I was _definitely_ next to you" I assured her, acting confused "I think maybe you have a concussion. Perhaps I should call Carlisle?"

"I'm fine. And what do you mean about sleep-talking?" She asked "Oh, and forget about Carlisle, please"

"You sleep-talk, Bella. Embrace it" I answered teasingly.

And then her scent hit me. It was like all of a sudden, I realized that I had never been alive until then, that I had never smelled anything or anyone that got even remotely close to what was making my mouth water right then.

_Hungry!_ The devil on my left shoulder roared. I felt like a cartoon character. _Must feed!_

_But what about Bella?_ The angel on the right asked. _We love her, remember?_

We do? Wait, now I'm confused, guys.

_Eat her, Eddie. You can always fuck her corpse. Can't you smell that? Sweet, sweet blood, calling you…_

_No! Dude, listen to me._ The angel begged. _Leave her alone! You'll be devastated if she dies!_

Before I knew it, I was pinning Bella to the bed. She giggled foolishly.

"Oh, Edward, you wild, _wild _man!" She whispered, lust in her eyes.

"Uh… yeah. Sure. Whatever" I muttered, returning to my seat on the couch. The angel had won this battle.

_Oh yeah, uh huh, I win, you lose, uh huh!_ He chanted, doing a little victory dance. The devil just smacked him on the head with a magazine and they both disappeared.

For a while, at least.

* * *

**OK, PEOPLE I KNOW IT'S NOT SO GOOD BUT THIS IS EDWARD WE'RE TALKING ABOUT! HOW MUCH MORE SERIOUS CAN YOU GET?**

**NO MORE EPOVS, THEY'RE WAY TOO HARD.**


	3. Chapter 3

I am, like, in a _totally uncomfy_ hospital bed. I'm waking up and I remember having the weirdest dreams… Whatever. Not important. After all, Edward's around somewhere and I _have_ to look good. I mean, I'm _already_ on the _bed._ All he has to do _now_ is join me.

I grabbed a mirror that was for some reason by my bed and started pouting sexily and sending smoldering stares. I dodn't look too bad, all things considered.

Suddenly the door opens and Eddie's father bursts in. How do I know it's him? Easy. I've been stalking Eddiekins, for, like, _two weeks_. That is a _long_ time, you know.

Anyways, Carlisle, is, like, _super hot_. His hands are terribly big, and _you know_ what they say about a man's _hands_… OH, SORRY. Good girls don't think those things. Bad girl, Bella! Bad!

"So, Miss Swan" McSteamy began, catching my smoldering looks and looking confused "How are you feeling?"

"Oh, I'm _fine_" I answer in my sexy man-voice. _That'll_ give him something to dream about.

Edward chooses that exact moment to butt in. Ugh! I _hate_ him! Can't he see I'm _trying _to seduce his _dad_, here? I _am _busy!

I can hear McSexy's voice prattling on but am way past caring. Oh, well. Edwawa has nice pecs, anyway. God, those _pecs_…

"Miss Swan? Miss Swan!" Carlisle waves a hand in front of my eyes and I snap back to reality. "Your father is in the waiting room. You can go home now"

"Can't I go back to school?" I ask, imagining Mike falling all over himself to be attentive. At least it would've gotten me something good out of this. We could've hooked up in the janitor's closet, but, _noooo_. McStupid _had _to refuse. What is _wrong_ with him, anyway? Does he hate me? It _has got_ to be something to do with me, after all. This is _my_ book. _Mine_! Everything _has to be_ about _me_!

I stumble out of bed and start for the door before turning to face Eduardo.

"Can I talk to you for a minute?" I hiss menacingly. Oh, God. What did I just _do_? Now I _need _to find something to talk about! I just wanted to _hook up_! Edward glares and stomps out of the room. I stopped doing that, like, in _fifth grade_. It _never_ works.

"What do you _want_?" He asks unoriginally. Damn, Fuckward, seriously…

_I wanna screw you to death,_ I think. "You owe me an explanation"

"I saved your life, I don't owe you _anything_" _Ooh_, bitch! Get out of the way, get out of the way!

"You promised" Ugh. And I talk about originality _because_? Hypocrisy is obviously fault number… 5, I think. No matter. I wasn't ever good at math, anyway.

"Bella, you hit your head, you don't know what you're talking about" Hah! Oh, _puh-leez_. I have screwed, like, _fifty_ guys, including three reverends but not counting Angela's father. He really wasn't too good. Anyway, hon, if I don't know about sex 'cause I hit my head, something is _severely _wrong with me. And, as we all know, nothing is _ever_ wrong with me. This is _my _book!

"There's nothing wrong with my head!" I panic as tears begin to form. I cry when I'm angry. Sometimes. OK, most of the time. But I am normal, I tell you, _normal_. Got it? Good.

"What do you want from me, Bella?" _Hot, angry sex in your couch, kitchen, closet or on a hospital gurney, I don't really care about the deets._

But of course, I couldn't say _that_, I'm a good, sweet, nice girl with no sexual thoughts or pleased Reverends in her record. "I want to know the truth. I want to know why I'm lying for you"

"Stop whining!" He orders "What do you _think _happened?"

_Oh, darling, you don't really wanna know what I'm thinking, it involves your crotch, syrup and whipped cream…_ "All I know is that you weren't anywhere near me – Tyler didn't see you, either, so don't tell me I hit my head too hard. That van was gonna crush us both – and it didn't, and your hands left dents on the side of it – and you left a dent in the other car, and you're not hurt at all – and the van should've smashed my legs, but you were holding it up…." I start to cry, trying to guilt him into telling me.

"You think I lifted a van off of you?" I nod and sniff pitifully. Stompward remains impassive. "Nobody will believe that, you know"

"I'm not going to tell anybody!" I say triumphantly. _That's my winning argument._

"Then why does it matter?" You _dare to question my winning argument? Bastard! _

"It matters to me" I say stubbornly. And then, inspiration hits "I don't like to lie – so there'd better be a good reason why I'm doing it"

"Can't you just thank me and get over it?" He asks.

"Thank you" My momma taught me manners. Oh, wait, isn't that what _guys_ say? No matter. I _am_ a hermaphrodite, after all. I have the _right_ to say that. Just cause my balls didn't work and my uterus did makes _no difference_…

"You're not gonna let it go, are you?" _You're not too smart, are you?_

"No" I tell him.

"In that case… I hope you enjoy disappointment" _I do, in fact. A bit. My Dad likes it, too. It's kind of a game between us… _

"Why did you even bother?" I ask.

"I don't know" Eddie whispers. He turns and walks away.

_Damn, that boy has one fine, fine ass._


	4. Chapter 4

BPOV

I am bored. I am so utterly, terribly bored I am gonna start banging my head against the window. Ooh, look! A fly!

Whatever. I'm still angry at Jerkward. He's such a… jerk. Yeah, that's it! A jerk! LOL, I crack myself up, sometimes. Anyways, I'll forgive him. He _did _save me. Even after I said he was a bad rock. And, he's a hunk.

"Hello, Edward" I tell him, sitting down on the chair next to him and leaning on the lab table. Angry sex is good, but normal sex… yeah. I'll be nice today. Maybe I'll get to go to his backseat today instead of Mike's!

He nods. He _just nods_. I sigh. Oh, well. No sexy Volvo backseat for me today!

And, suddenly, Meyer decides to skip a month – or maybe two – until I get over stalking Edward-the-beastly-guy and start to worry about the prom. My author is the best. She's so spontaneous! You never know what she'll do next! Maybe I should ask her to get me pregnant with an evil vamp baby…

"So. Jess asked me to the Spring Dance" Mike says one day in Biology.

"That's cool. Are you fucking her, too?" I ask innocently. I really don't mind, but I wish he'd told me. Threesomes really turn me on.

"No. I told her I had to think about it" He answers.

"Why? Do you wanna go to the cabin and play doctor again or should I wear the schoolgirl costume?" I like that costume. It's barely there.

"No. I want to go to the dance with you" Mike comments.

"Sorry, Mikey, that's where I draw the line."I tell him "Anyway, I'll be in Seattle that day"

"Bella… please! Oh, God, please, don't leave me!" Mike yells, falling to the floor and clutching my leg. Heads turn "Come with me! I love you! Bella, please…"

His screams fade as Mr. What's-his-name drags him out of the room with the help of some jocks needing extra credit. I sigh and see Edward watching.

"Bella?"

"Are we talking again?" Cause if we are, you should know that my Jazz-player costume's at the drycleaner's.

"Not really" He answers.

"What do you want, then, Edward?" An orgy? I don't do those. Though Emmett looks really cute… And Jasper's muscles are _dee-lishious._

"You actually own a nurse costume?" He asks.

"Of course I do! It's a basic requirement. So's the schoolgirl thingy" I add.

"A basic requirement for a what?"

"A… slut, I guess" I shrug "I dunno"

Edward looked appalled. I giggled.

"Right… Anyway, it's better if we're not friends. Trust me" No duh. What kind of hooker befriends her clients anyway? Or potential clients. Not that I get paid, but that'd be nice… And he meant it as an insult, anyway.

"You should've saved yourself all this regret" I told him bitterly.

"Regret?"

"Yeah, for not letting that stupid van squish me" I added. Emoward frowned, looking furious.

"You think I regret saving you?" He asks. He actually looks pretty cute when he's all confuzzled. I just wanna take him home and give him milk and cookies. Or let him rip off the schoolgirl disguise. He can pick.

"I _know_ you do" I answer, because, well, what else was I supposed to say?

"You don't know anything" Hon, I know how to make you grovel at my feet and beg for more, so we shall sonclude that I actually know plenty, OK? I mean, ouch.

I turned around and sweeped out of the room before "accidentally" dropping all my books. Oops. Klutsy ole me! I guess I'll just have to bend over and let Hunkward get a glimpse of my new sapphire thong – not from Victoria's Secret. Couldn't afford one of those.

But suddenly he's right there, picking them up. Damn that boy! I have not had this much trouble seducing anyone since I decided to practice on John Guse back in Arizona, and _everyone_ knows it only took so long because he was gay. Oh, well. I got _him_ to drop his boyfriend, at least, so even Gayward shouldn't be a problem.

"Thank you" I say, mad that he had unconsciously foiled my attempt at seduction. Hey, a girl can dream, right?

"You're welcome" I straighten up once more, ignoring the guys staring at my ass and stalk off for another session with my phone in the girl's bathroom. What? It's not like I'm cheating on him.

All's fair in love and war, after all.

* * *

**Guys, I know you're all tired of my pitiful excuses but I just started a blog called Diary of a not-so-popular fanfiction author (.com), started school again (ewww) and kinda sorta lost my Twilight book. Yeah. So.**

**If you guys could check out my blog and/or Best Served Cold (my one-shot) and actually REVIEW I would really appreciate it. In the case of the blog, though, a simple PM would suffice if you can't comment.**

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**xoxo**

**Lizzy**

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